God,
I don’t know why I fear tomorrow.
I’ve been watching Dexter a lot. I don’t know if it’s been too much. I don’t know if my filter is honed, but you seem to be speaking to me through it. He has a dark secret. I feel I have a dark secret. He has uncontrollable urges. I have uncontrollable urges. He’s found a way that he can justify his acting upon his urges. I’ve found a way that makes my urges acceptable. Holy? I don’t know, to be honest with you. If I see a good looking girl my thoughts instantly become unholy. But, you’re always there to remind me of who I am because of what you’ve done and help me turn them back towards you and towards righteousness. Every now and then I slip up. No, every now and then I ignore you and act on my own. Act without, or, better yet, in spite of what you’re saying to me at the time. Those times are becoming less and less. But that’s just the obvious part of my urge. The outward showing. Dexter always has to fight himself not to act. He has his adopted dad, memories of his adopted dad that stop him. I’ve got you. Not just memories. But it still feels as if I’m drawing upon you as a memory. Something there, but not there. Something just at the edge of my mind, just out of reach that I can’t grasp. Some ephemeral thought that lingers for a moment, but isn’t taking root.
I want you to take root. I want you to take over and not be a memory. I know you are living and active in my life. I have hindsight to prove that. But I don’t see it in the immediate. I don’t see it right now. Help me to start listening to you as you speak, not moments or days later. Help me to control my anger, my desire to be in control, my concern with comfort. I fear tomorrow because I want to be in control. I want to be comfortable. Help me to turn to you.
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