I’m almost certain I wrote the first part of this during a sermon at the church I was attending (Cannon Beach Community Presbyterian Church). I don’t remember the sermon at all, so all my references to things Pastor Dave said are lost. I also did little to nothing for the 3 things he asked us to do for the 40 days of Lent (I’m guessing it was Lent).

John 10:1-8

wander away from Him → like sheep → run away from (st)rangers voices → read in morning now spend time w/ my shepherd → how well do i know Him or His voice → seek other sheep → know the salvation i have so i will not be just a “hired hand” → forty day challenge → 1. enter; commit ⇒ 2. listen; every morning ⇒ memorize Jn. 10:27-28 ⇒ 3. follow; obedience → upon communion ⇒ what a sweet morsel You have laid down for me. Your life represented in life sustaining food. What a love You had to lay down Your life for me so that i(!) might be saved… be still, know that You are the Lord of my life. Waking or sleeping. My first thought and my last → through the night consume dreams. live my life ⇒ take it and fill it over the top so i can continue to do good works in you for the rest of time. → start carrying “this book”↵ with me → man’s empty praise… i need only the promise from God that i am secure forever → knowledge of God → allinall → maker of heaven! → lamb of Judah → Jesus my lord → shield, thick, door, leather, metal.

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problems again today ↔ i broke a promise to Abba ← sliding backwards → only i want to move forwards this is a problem w/ my self not God ➚ What can i do for you?… I don’t ask to change your mind–i ask to change my heart → speaking of heart/problems → A___ → how can i pursue her? should i? or is that a s-t-r-e-a-c-h? notting hill is too much a fantasy for me i need to not b around feamale’s

At church in the morning then acting up at night. That was pretty normal. It was also pretty normal to beat myself up and be extremely saddened by my actions then turn to start thinking of a girl. See the mind shift mid paragraph?

I seriously felt like two different people around this time. One who knew, deeply, the consequences for my sin, and the other who didn’t care and wanted to be his own God because he had never seen God provide for him.

This is tougher than I thought. Maybe once I get towards the end of all this, after having read through this journal again, I’ll be better at exposing my past for what it was and being honest with myself about who I was.

Ps. 23
Ez. 34

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