Man, I've been uncovering a lot of my life from late '99-'01. Check out adamatlast.blogspot.com, and popstories.blogspot.com.
Warning: They are awful. But there are a few good stories at Pop Stories.
Monday
Through the Cross to Fruit
The time I spent living at the beach was a very dark period in my life. I had been at home from the tail end of the spring until I moved there at the beginning of fall of '99. Prior to that I was going, for a year, to a small bible school a few miles away from where I would be living when I moved back. These 2 years I was so self centered that I didn't see my actions as running away from God, I saw them as a sin I committed against Him. Sin was not something that was a big deal. Lots of people sin and ask for forgiveness from that, but it's not a big deal because our sin is paid for.
I failed to see that the payment that was made for my sin was Jesus' own suffering on the cross. The pain he felt as a man being beaten, humiliated, mocked, and taunted. The separation of himself from His father, God, as he hung there and took all the weight I put upon him.
It hasn't been until these last two years that I have begun to understand what my sin meant to God. It isn't just me doing something naughty, it's me taking the place of all those who were physically there that day. I beat him, I humiliate him, I mock him, I taunt him each time I sin.
Yet, He went through it so I can have community with Him. He experienced separation from God so I wouldn't have to. I pray that my understanding of this increases (although I know I never will know the depths of what went on). I pray that my experiences will be something that God uses to open doors for those that happen upon this.
Right now I feel as if I'm stumbling along, and if you just started reading, please stick with me as I dig deeper into my past and uncover how sick I was and humbly present what God has done in me through and in spite of me.
Sunday
3.5.0. chicken man david robinson
I'm almost certain I wrote the first part of this during a sermon at the church I was attending (Cannon Beach Community Presbyterian Church). I don't remember the sermon at all, so all my references to things Pastor Dave said are lost. I also did little to nothing for the 3 things he asked us to do for the 40 days of Lent (I'm guessing it was Lent).
John 10:1-8
wander away from Him → like sheep → run away from (st)rangers voices → read in morning now spend time w/ my shepherd → how well do i know Him or His voice → seek other sheep → know the salvation i have so i will not be just a "hired hand" → forty day challenge → 1. enter; commit ⇒ 2. listen; every morning ⇒ memorize Jn. 10:27-28 ⇒ 3. follow; obedience → upon communion ⇒ what a sweet morsel You have laid down for me. Your life represented in life sustaining food. What a love You had to lay down Your life for me so that i(!) might be saved... be still, know that You are the Lord of my life. Waking or sleeping. My first thought and my last → through the night consume dreams. live my life ⇒ take it and fill it over the top so i can continue to do good works in you for the rest of time. → start carrying "this book"↵ with me → man's empty praise... i need only the promise from God that i am secure forever → knowledge of God → allinall → maker of heaven! → lamb of Judah → Jesus my lord → shield, thick, door, leather, metal.
problems again today ↔ i broke a promise to Abba ← sliding backwards → only i want to move forwards this is a problem w/ my self not God ➚ What can i do for you?... I don't ask to change your mind--i ask to change my heart → speaking of heart/problems → A___ → how can i pursue her? should i? or is that a s-t-r-e-a-c-h? notting hill is too much a fantasy for me i need to not b around feamale's
At church in the morning then acting up at night. That was pretty normal. It was also pretty normal to beat myself up and be extremely saddened by my actions then turn to start thinking of a girl. See the mind shift mid paragraph?
I seriously felt like two different people around this time. One who knew, deeply, the consequences for my sin, and the other who didn't care and wanted to be his own God because he had never seen God provide for him.
This is tougher than I thought. Maybe once I get towards the end of all this, after having read through this journal again, I'll be better at exposing my past for what it was and being honest with myself about who I was.
Ps. 23
Ez. 34
3.4.0. Web of Lies
As you will see throughout this, there are many places that are full of shame. This is one of those pages.
I have no excuse. I thought I could write poetry.
Now that my sin is exposed to the light, I will let you read what it is. You'll notice I included a scan of the page directly out of my journal where I drew some fancy lines and tried to act like E. E. Cummings.
Web of LiesYou'll also notice I was listening to a lot of Ninety Pound Wuss at the time.
Adam
I say i'll do it... He knows i won't... try til i'm bleeding... ripped at the chest... His face has grace... mine has dirt... deceit... decapitate... cleanse my broken ring... promises tumble to the
g
r
o
u
n
d
p r e m
o s i s
I was in a stage in my life that I felt like I was being honest with God and He didn't care about me. At least that is how I know I was now. At the time I just felt like God was not answering my prayers "because... I don't know, I guess he's busy." Of course neither of these are true. What is true is that God was answering me, I was just being impatient.
His answer was in the form of a question, which was, "If you want me to change you, why don't you start changing?" Meaning, I needed to get my head out of my ass and stop being self centered regarding everything.
Friday
3.4.0
melt away my flesh to reveal a heart of spreading truth into the limps of the body. if i try i fail, if i folow you i fail, but your hands reach out to carry me away from coals always hot. keep my skin. try my soul... i'm ready for service.@Y.L.B.A.L."The philosopher rose up and departed with the air of a man that had cooperated with the present system."*
God spoke to me today (3.4.0). I now have direction w/ my life at least until He shows me something else. i am living the rest of my life doing YL--at least for this season.←they change→fall→winter→spring→summer→fall→ only the seasons of my life change w/o notice.
A.B.→L.W.→A.B.→L.W.→camp/B.W.→school/M.M.→A.J.G.→ home/alone→seaside/andy→seaside/kirk→ God has planted me and i can now grow into the man you (g-kids) can try to be like... and success will come. God has yet to stop my progress and won't until i take the final step to glorification... what a day that will be. i can then walk with you. and not have to use a cane... but will i want to? i'll be to busy to even glance to my left to see who's singing next to me. read matthew... ch. 6 vs 28... 30, 34 all of 25 to 34 →"love will youg man while you still can... once your leaves turn you won't love again."** sleep comes easier now that i'm here.
*Rasselas, cap 22, (Abolition of Man p. 50)
**"The longest Winter" David Bazan
God revealed through my kids.
Being a daddy is tough. It makes me appreciate God the Father all the more though. Here's an example that happened today;
Eve was not falling asleep for nap time. I had to hold her down and pray over her for 15 minutes before she stopped screaming and fighting and actually fell asleep. I can see that for the last 15 years Jesus has almost literally been doing that with me, and now I can rest instead of fighting.
3.3.0
The Following is the first entry in a journal I started while living in Seaside, OR. As you can read, I was 19 and thinking I was a punk. No, I was. The arrows and symbols in the text are actually in my journal (I hope they show up in your browser on your OS). The spelling isn't correct, so I left it as is. I had decided that I wasn't going to use the first '0' in the year, so the date is 2000.
Book One.i
3.3.0 19 y.o.a.
(upon moving into
1256 Ave D.)
A new page a new start-clean-clear-claustrophobic no/more → moving into fresh, green pastures... →← now I have thoughts begining and ending at my pace who am i? season of change---time anew. search for answers within Him who solves everything for him who He made. 19 and still young. 19 yet so old. amputate my flesh. peal my skin. melt me into glorification... "justified, sanctified, in you i'm noting less... torn apart inside myself... a dripping bloody mess...*" sleep takes my eye lids slaming them down to pieces. ❚frail. ice. Book One.i is a failure... will i get through this will you ↓ get through this? what are you ↓a grandkid? who'd i marry??? you're grandmother is/was a saint, she put up w/ me for __ years. how? my great-g-pa was the idea bhind my writing things out. P-land tomorrow-sleep right now... fall down to sleep in Your lap Lord Jesus Christ...good timing ➘
1*"Heresy" By Jeff Suffering
My time as a dead tree
I tend to say I'm going to do things with my blog and never do. To make it easier on myself, to document in a digital format, and to show my readers (do I have any?) what I used to be, I am going to post, word for word, from a journal I just found that I kept for about a year. Please note that the entries will be as close to the original as possible. I used to fancy myself a bit of a 'beat' writer, so my journal is... let's say 'fancy.' I will not, though, use the full names of all of the people I mention.
Wednesday
I don't know what I think of a men's only forum. There's something about having sections that aren't open to all (either posting or, worse yet, viewing) that irks me. I know there are issues that men need to discuss in a free way that would be hindered by women viewing, but I'm not sure if a forum is a good idea, because knowing how forums go in general and ours in specific it seems like a lot of... I want to say problems, would arise from the lack of having person-to-person interaction.
There's a fear I have of a men's only forum becoming a place to air our dirty laundry with a lack of follow-up in person.
I know that some have made friends through the forum, but that hasn't been my experience. I don't think I've ever had a discussion on the forums that has lead to personal involvement. In fact, almost the opposite (which I'm sure is part of my story :) ). Meaning; when I've posted something, either in response to or an initial question, I've been responded to in a manner that makes me not want to engage the people here. This isn't always the case, but more than I care, it has been.
I look at a good friend of mine, he used to post here all the time, having threads go past the 6-page mark, but now he doesn't post ever because of how he's been responded to in the past. Opening up a men's forum where he can share his struggles is even a higher level of risk that, based on experiences, would be scary to take in fear that our brothers would handle the situation like dicks, by tromping around like a giant not watching out for villagers below, like people "doomed... to eat their own dung and to drink their own urine" ([url=http://www.gnpcb.org/esv/search/?q=2+Kings+18%3A27]2 Kings 18:27[/url]). That is to say; they act immaturely - not recognizing that truth not spoken in grace is foolishness in disguise.
Then there's the guy who would use the men's only as a place to talk about their stuff and not ever go to a friend because "Hey, I'm open and honest with every guy, why do I need friends?"
Lastly, what Shalome just posted [quote] Although I would HIGHLY suggest....implore....any such idea be somehow overseen by an elder or extremely level headed deacon.[/quote] reminds me of another reason: The level of moderator involvement would be much higher than in the general categories we have. Which brings me back to my main point of having interpersonal contact with others. What is the job of each man, whether it is through Community Groups or Recovery/Purity/Grace Groups, would be handed to a group of elders or deacons who care too much about our lives to be distracted from working on what they see as the most valuable ways of ministering to us. Instead of being a body that loves, serves and walks each other through change, we could become overly dependant on the leaders to do that for us.
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